The reality is he never loved me. He only loved that I loved him. He never realized the gem of a woman he was gifted. I was a sparkling diamond and all he saw was a washed up rock. I often contemplated why. I wondered how someone could be so blind to not want an educated, dedicated, intelligent woman who would be willing to swim through every wave with him.
Then it dawned on me. You can hand a person the rarest, most precious diamond in the world, but if they’re not accustomed to diamonds, they don’t feel they’re worthy of diamonds. They’ll just kick it in the corner and let it collect dust.
But here’s the beautiful thing about diamonds. They continue to shine even if they’re pushed to the side. They always remain diamonds. To break them, to corrupt them, doesn’t suddenly change their state. They remain diamonds.
He tried to hurt me. He called me names and told me I was unworthy. I was a first year school psychologist. I was trying to set a name for myself at work. I would work late and bring home reports to write to stay caught up with my cases. He would tell me, “You’re so lazy. You will never get hired for next year. I could be a better psychologist. You think you’re special because you’re getting a doctorate? Bring work home again, and I’ll have you swallowing your teeth.” At some point the threats over my life were so scary, I wrote a letter and stuffed it in my work bag. In the letter, I wrote all his information. His name, social security number and address and whatever other information I knew about him were included. I hoped to leave clues behind in case he succeeded in carrying out his threats. I also wrote a letter to my family apologizing to them for the agony I put them through.
At that point in time, I had no idea how I would escape his wrath. I didn’t realize I was in the hands of a narcissist. Prayers were what got me through. I wasn’t sure if God was listening, and at the time I wasn’t even sure if He existed. But it was my only escape. He didn’t believe in God. At some point, he decided that he wanted to be a Scientologist. I even gave Scientology a chance. I thought if I believed what he did, then maybe, just maybe it would be enough for him to change his ways. But as soon as the Scientologists realized I was a psychologist, they didn’t want me to be a part of them. This was even more of a reason for him to continuously denounce me. I was no good for anyone.
So, I just continued to pray the only way I knew: the Lord’s prayer in Armenian. “Hayr mer, vor hergeens yes…” I would say it in the shower. I would say it when he slept and I pretended to be asleep. When he was in his episodes, I’d say it to myself as he berated and threatened me. I’d say it on my drive home from work. At some point, it worked. God knew, like He always knows, exactly what I needed. God gave me the wisdom to realize that I deserved better.
God reminded me that I was a diamond and needed to shine. He gave me the courage to walk away with nothing except my clothes and my kids. I took the essentials and left everything else behind. Some of the most precious memories of my kids were left behind. But it didn’t matter, I would finally be free. I was no longer a prisoner in my own home. I didn’t want to have any reminder of him. I wanted to start new and finally show the world the diamond I was born to be.
Today I shine and I refuse to ever be treated like anything other than the gem I am. My purpose: bring light to others who have forgotten they too were born to be diamonds.