We are at the last few days of Winter Break. The holidays, the trips, and the family get -togethers are all behind us. We just have a new year to take on. And as much as I want to sound like the positive, upbeat, optimistic version of myself, I’d rather just be honest and real. The last couple of weeks have been rough. Emotionally, I’m not where I want to be. I’ve taken a lot of time to myself (and to myself, I mean with the kids around me) to reflect, read, write and focus on why I have been struggling.
And in this quest, I realized it’s because I have too many ambitions. You’re probably thinking, well that’s not a bad thing, why does that depress you? It’s simple. My ambitions and my current life circumstances don’t match up. The last thing I ever want to do is use being a single mother as my crutch. I have three beautiful, respectful, intelligent and mostly well-behaved children. I did that all by myself. I did that working two jobs, running from practice to homework and somehow even managed to maintain a semblance of a social life. So now we get to the point where my ambitions come in…the projects I want to dive into, the seminars I want to attend, the training I want to do. Are they impossible to conquer? Absolutely not…all the reason why I am so frustrated. Each of my goals are completely attainable with hard work and the time dedicated to them. Except for a single mother, time is costly. Time means daycare costs, babysitting fees, an absent mother. So I am left with thoughts of how to proceed.
The one thing I can assure everyone is that I don’t allow myself to wallow in my own misery for very long. Some call this tenacity. Others call it strength. But for me, it’s just my inability to allow myself to stay stagnant for too long. Ambition, perhaps?
So after some important conversations with myself, inspiring mentors, and those friends who make you laugh until your stomach hurts, I’m getting up. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do. But I’m going to get up and walk into 2019 with my head held high ready to take it on. If it’s mundane, then I’ll figure out how to spice it up along the way. If it’s too spicy, then I’m sure we’ll be able to tone it down. But the important part is: I’m up and I’m walking. Anyone need a walking partner???